not waving drowning.....

Yesterday I began to cry and I couldn't stop. It has been a while since one of those cries. Those guttural and animalistic cries that comes from the bottom of the sadness. The cry appeared at one of those unexpected times, at the kitchen sink whist doing dishes. I had kept the lid on the sadness for a long time it had not broken by needles, vomit, nausea, insomnia or hot flushes but strangely it couldn't make it through the domestic chore of dishes. I had been suppressing any urge to realise that although I was making it through this bizarre journey with a large amount of ease and at times confidence it is also true that it's so dam heavy.

When you merge all of the colors in your life it becomes black, this blackness is what I distance myself from, but sometimes it just eclipses the light.

My present insomnia is painting my days in a thick non -lucid cloud and I am finding it challenging to remain so muddled in my daily activities. From so much action to a state of inaction, a challenge in itself. My body is also feeling the constraints of being a lot more stagnant and languid. It longs for the fast paced life of an acrobat, a taught and constantly fluid state of being.

Insomnia is a bitch! Last night I went to Barney and Lou's and was dosed up on sleep tincture and Valerian tea to try and assist my passage into sleep. I awoke at three and did the routinel removal of bedding to ease a hot flush. But then surprisingly I found sleep again and we enjoyed each others company till dawn.

At dawn I woke and remembered that the boy who a year ago broke my heart and allowed a stampede of buffaloes to run over it left the country for seven months. Sometimes I wish it was seven days, others I wish it was seven years.

"The fall from you is such a long way down" (Beirut lyric)

Hearts are a slow mending organ, possible symptoms include eternal scarring, emotional baggage, spontaneous tears, fits of anger and a glimmer of regret, please see your doctor if you haven't began to heal in 3-5 years.....