Candy from strangers

This photo is taken in the tuck shop of a 'blue light disco' that was held at my house two weeks ago. It was everything the flyer promoted it would be, it was debaucherous, reckless and inspired a somewhat adolescent revelry in the behaviour of the participants. This entailed a splattering of party pashers, a few near brawls and a general vibe that was fuelled with ecstacy, lolly bags, 80's music and the very revealing police outfits my three housemates and myself were wearing (as of course blue light disco's are always run by the cops). So I stopped writing. Once my treatment ended last september I dropped my blog and my identity as a cancer patient like my wheat free, dairy free and sugar free diet (insert picture of tonights menu of pasta and mudckae for supportive evidence). But although I dropped the identity and to the most part the desire to even discuss it, In certain situations and with certain individuals I would talk. I don't mean just innane or witty banter I mean talk about the cancer. I realised that cancer and especially 'having cancer' is like walking around the world with a bag of full stops and exclamation marks. These grammatical tools I would occassionally drop into conversation in sometimes crude, slightly aggressive and or humorous and macabre ways. I don't know whether it was for impact, sympathy, drama or just merely because sometimes I just couldn't hold it all myself. So I would joke colorfully about the 'year of hell' or descriptively and with a science fiction flair describe the 'anarchic cells that invaded and attempted to gain control before being anniliated by chemical warfare'. Sometimes I would merely laugh about how 'when I was in menopause and my vaginal walls were tight as a nun' or 'when my hair was falling out and I was balding like Bert Newton (minus the toipee)' oh how you can drop such lines in so many varied and un related topics. I sometimes say the world for shock value 'CANCER' and watch as the immediacy of the word takes hold of the unexpected audience and the reactions of confusion, sympathy of just plain awkwardness is evoked.

Besides my narcisstic tendency to discuss my illness with complete strangers my life has resumed a healthy glow. I am working back at the community circus as an outreach worker and still performing and trapsing around the place with the 'britney spears tribute band'. My body has nearly regained its muscle tension and athleticism and I am relishing in the new found ability to perform pilates, acrobatics and hip hop dance. These things make me sane and feed me. I didnt realised how starved I was for the physical realm until I got back into utilising my body for expression, creativity and joy. Yep as naff and cliched as it sounds dance and movement is something that makes me feel alive and is who I am. There I said it and cliches aside it reminds me of how far I have come over the last twelve months from diagnosis to treatment to remission to health.

Tomorrow is my second scan as it has been four months since I was granted the golden ticket of remission. I feel quitely confident, yet my confidence is definitely laced with a healthy trepidation and general fear of the small chance the space invaders are back. I was sitting on the tram last thursday when the thought of the hospital, the weird gastric juice I need to drink before the scan and the scan itself caused me to loose control of my natural breathing mechanism and I suffered a slight panic attack. I regained composure by remembering there is only a 10% chance I would ever relapse with hodgkins. But as I have said numerous times when you are individual that became a victim and then a surivor of a cancer that effects 0.025% of the population 10% is a percentage that is extremely large and threatening. So tomorrow morning me and my boyfrind will wake and proceed to the hospital before nine to undergo a routine cat scan. The next ten days will tick by a little slower then usual until I get the results next thursday. Next thursday, next thursday, next thursday. hurry the fuck up next thursday...........